Slipped Away
by Stephane Richer
Summary: I wish that I could see you again; I know that I can't.


Slipped Away

Disclaimer: I own neither Avril Lavigne's song "Slipped Away" nor Tite Kubo's manga _Bleach_.

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The headstone was simple. Just the way he would have wanted, silent, still, but imposing. Rukia had used her status as the sole Kuchiki heir to get her way with the elders on this. He did not die the way he deserved, the way he would have wanted. The least she could do for the brother who had done so much for her was to bury him in a fitting, honourable manner. Here he was, resting next to Hisana, finally.

She had tied up many loose ends since his death. Granted, she'd seen that monster in the face more than enough times. Ever since she could remember, Rukia's life had had blood spattered across it periodically from lost friends, acquaintances, loved ones. She'd made apologies and amends, saw to it that her will was properly done out.

Byakuya had left no will. He probably would have left her most of it, but she let Renji take what he wanted, as his entire estate had been automatically transferred to Rukia. The bond between captain and lieutenant was very different from that between siblings. Not deeper per se, just…dissimilar. Yachiru got all his candy, and Ichigo a belt. Rukia gave all of his papers and journals to Yoruichi. Perhaps through his inner thoughts she could reconcile the Byakuya of her youth with the stern Kuchiki head who had seemingly swallowed him. Anyway, they would be more suited for the cat-woman's eyes than for Rukia's.

She kept a straight face thoughout the whole thing. It was so hard, harder than she'd imagined. She was used to being alone, but it was true that you never knew what you had until you lost it. She missed her brother terribly, still. She would look out the window and expect him to be sitting in the garden under a tree, gazing into the distance. Or she'd walk around the Seireitei, expecting him to appear next to her in that ninja-like way of his. And whenever Renji appeared, she expected her brother to show up, too. Of course, he never did.

She gazed up at the cherry tree hanging over the headstones. A few petals, as if by a faint whisper, floated down to her shoulders. Rukia softly smiled.

"Mama." Little Kaien was ambling toward her with that funny child-walk of his. "Why do we come here every year?"

She waited until he was close enough to pull into her lap. _He's getting a little too big for this…damn. They really do grow up so fast. _"Can you read that stone there?" She pointed.

"…Kuchiki…" He looked up, attempting to furrow his brow. "That's our name."

She nodded at him. "Yes. A long time before you were born, a very long time, the head of the family was Kuchiki Byakuya. My brother. He died trying to protect the Seireitei."

"…oh. Do you miss him?"

Again, Rukia nodded. "I miss him so much, Kaien."

"Don't be sad, Mama." He had noticed the slight quiver in her voice, the tremble in her shoulders. "You have me and Papa. We're still here."

Yes, perhaps without Byakuya's death she might never have gotten together with her child's father. In any case, the elders would never allow her to marry someone like that if Byakuya had still been there. Perhaps…

No. There would never be time to examine that possibility. She'd had all the time in the world wondering what if in the months immediately following Byakuya's passing.

"It's all right, Kaien." Urahara Kisuke gently seated himself next to his wife and son. "Mama needs to be sad sometimes, too. We all do."

Indeed, Kisuke's best friend had been inconsolable for those first few months. He was very grateful to Rukia for her tremendous help and her personal, thoughtful gift to Yoruichi. A thank-you meeting, after he cleared his name with the Seireitei, turned into regular teas, which turned into Rukia confessing the elders' insistence that she get married and produce an heir, which turned into a crazy suggestion, which turned into a surprisingly good match. Everyone had been dumbstruck to see the Kuchiki head and a former exile dating, but getting engaged? And actually going through with it? It all seemed so absurd. Perhaps it was, but Rukia and Kisuke had long since developed thick skins.

"Papa, did you know Byakuya?"

He shook his head. "Not really. Rukia and your aunt Yoruichi told me quite a lot about him. He also gave your uncle Ichigo a pretty bad time the first time they fought."

The boy's eyes widened. "Yes," Rukia continued. "He was a kido master whose zanpakutou became flower petals. He would quietly order it to scatter, and then, boom! You would be caught in a whirlwind of them."

"Wow…" Kaien breathed.

It had been much harder at first, to think of the happy memories. Even they would make her look down, wince, cry. But, though it took time, eventually she could laugh again. She could smile when she looked back and saw him, drinking tea. Drawing his sword. Greeting Hisana's memorial. Putting on his captain's haori. Sitting peacefully. Existing in that world.

Kisuke draped his arm around Rukia's shoulders, just as if he knew what she was thinking. Knowing him, he probably did. He gently squeezed her arm as she leaned into him and closed her eyes.

_Nii-sama. Byakuya. I am closer to whole now. I wonder how you are doing in the next life. I wonder if you will ever meet Hisana again? I wonder if, still, you know who I am. If some part of you remembers._

"Mama, are you sleeping?"

She pushed him off her lap and got up. "I'm fine, Kaien. We should go, now."

Her son holding one hand, husband holding the other, she exited the graveyard.

_I miss you._

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Author's Note: This is a reaction fic, for the most part. I'm not really happy about my characterization of Rukia. Would she behave that way in those circumstances? Would she say those things?


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